Today is a day for love and reflection. This day, 21 years ago my daughter died, leaving this earth and moving into a place where I could no longer feel her touch or hear her voice. Yet, after all of these years her love remains. The essence of who she was lingers in the rooms as if she were just here. That is such a fascinating thing to me. A person can be gone for so long, and yet remain in our minds. That’s the power of love.
I dreamt of her last night. In my dream she was a tiny baby. I knew that she needed to be fed, but she never cried or gave any indication that she was hungry. I had gone away for a while and when I came back I could see that she was struggling, and yet not crying. I fumbled as I attempted to get a nipple on a small bottle of milk. Not the right size. . . close the refrigerator. . . why is that nipple so long and skinny. . . baby I’m here. I’m here. I’m here. But I don’t seem to be able to help you. Then thankfully, I woke and that particular nightmare was over.
There was a time when waking was more horrific than sleeping in the nightmare. She was gone and that reality came and hit me full in the chest every morning. I couldn’t save her, her dad couldn’t save her, the doctors couldn’t save her. She died peacefully, never complaining much at all, always accepting and calm. During those times she kept me calm. The angst and anxiety came afterward when the reality couldn’t be escaped.
Now, these 21 years later I have come to a place that is peaceful. The dreams still return and in them I can’t help her because I didn’t know she was sick – she never cried out her pain to me. But the waking is better, the reality of my life as it is now is comforting rather than intensely painful. I have come to accept that I will go on without her presence, but she remains with me always. Such a wonderful thing. During this time of darkness so many years ago my world changed as did her father’s and her sister’s and her brother’s. We were flipped into a place where none of us wanted to be and yet we were helpless to change it.
Maybe now part of the difference, part of the getting through it, part of the change is that we learned to accept that helplessness. We accepted the fact that there are some things that we just cannot change no matter how badly we want to or how hard we try.
I believe that all of us must come to a place of acceptance. You stop the struggle and just let the pain and sadness rule your world for a bit until it’s done having its way with you. When it’s gone, that pain and sadness have a way of honing you, of making you able to stand taller.
This day, this time of year is rife with emotions. I have realized over the years that anxiety, uneasiness and small aches and pains return every year, yet always continue to surprise me. I have put the connection together and understand the body holds on to the emotions and the body remembers all of the things that line up at this time of year and fill my mind.
What I have come to know through all of this is the sweetness and the importance of family and friends that continue to walk this earth. Of all things that I have learned to embrace, relationships are at the top of the list because I realize so fully their fragility.
While the houses, the stuff in them, the cars we drive, the clothes we wear will all end in a pile of rubble some day, our relationships will always be carried with us in our hearts and our minds. We reflect on them and hang on to them. And that’s a good thing. A very good thing.
My darling daughter, I miss you. I miss your sweet presence and your firm no-nonsense attitude. I miss your laughter and even your tears. I miss your very footstep and the way you said “Mom.”
I love you Katie Jones.
dizzyhouse 